How to Tell if You’re Being Gaslighted
Even if you’re not too familiar with it, you’ve probably heard the term widely used among celebrities, media platforms, or even in your own social circles. And even though the term has definitively risen in prominence within the past few years, its practice has portably been around for a long time. So what exactly is it?
Simply put, gaslighting can be understood as a form of manipulation. Typically it
involves forms of psychological or emotional abuse resulting in feelings of doubt
regarding one’s own judgment, experience and even sanity. In relationships, gaslighting is an unhealthy tactic to gain control. Gaslighters always work to undermine the legitimacy of claims brought against them in order to reinstate their authority in the relationship and exert dominance over their partners.
In relationships, gaslighting is an unhealthy tactic to gain control.
One of the ways they go about accomplishing this is by taking themself out of the equation, thereby absolving themself of any wrongdoing. To this end, they find ways to blame their partner, twisting the dialogue to where their partner (victim) becomes solely responsible for an event:
“I didn’t see you anywhere at the party; you’re the one who left me alone.
If you were around maybe I wouldn’t have done that”
“Why did you choose to say that first? This only happened only after what you chose to say that.”
When victims do try to connect with their partner and share about
how the gaslighter's actions affected them, it will be manipulated into an opportunity to
discuss the victim’s shortcomings and failures:
“Well, maybe you should work that out so that we don’t have this issue in the first place”
“You’ve always been like that; have you ever considered that the real problem is you, not me?”
While they may start off as subtle, these interactions will eventually increase in frequency and victimized partners can often grow blind to its occurrences. Therefore, it is important to be able to process interactions to identify any potential gaslighting. Consider whether your experiences are being immediately dismissed. Whenever you try to address something with your partner, do they become avoidant and readily discount it with a throwaway statement such as:
“You’re not understanding”
“I don’t think that’s what happened”
“You’re reading too much into it?”
These kinds of responses may be allowing them to downplay the event and
shift the blame, planting seeds of doubt in an effort to make you distrust yourself. As stated earlier, overtime, you may start to experience extreme anxiety about your perceptions and question your ability to evaluate your experiences.
If you find yourself in a relationship with a partner who is gaslighting you, seeking a professional who can help you navigate it is always an option. We also need to
clarify that if you ever feel endangered in a physically or emotionally abusive
relationship, you can always call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at
1-800-799-SAFE.