Some Thoughts on Infidelity
Experiences of infidelity may be more prevalent than one might expect. A 2014 study highlighted that upwards of 40% of married couples have experienced it.
But what exactly does infidelity look like? Most simply, it can be understood as:
Experiences which violate the relational boundaries of one’s marriage or partnership.
These experiences can be thoughts, feelings, or behaviors, including:
-emotional cheating
-fantasizing or
-sexual intimacy.
If these definitions feel a bit broad to you, that’s because they are. The truth is, infidelity can be a deeply personal and nuanced activity. Obviously the more egregious violations, such as engaging in a sexual act with someone other than your spouse, may be clear enough of a boundary violation, but what about spending hours a week texting someone? Full frontal friend hug? Staying out late with a peer?
Boundaries exist to preserve safety and trust in a relationship but if they are not explicitly expressed and agreed upon, it can become difficult to expect our partner to uphold them.
This is the first type of infidelity: infidelity that arises from failure to identify what is and isn’t appropriate. When the couple hasn’t explicitly communicated and agreed upon boundaries, they may be more prone to experiencing relational symptoms of “emotional infidelity”: superficial flirting; platonic intimacy; cognitive preoccupation; all of which lie on spectrum of intensity. It’s the responsibility of both individuals to come together to dictate what lines need to be drawn and what “exclusivity” between them looks like so as to set the relationship up for success.
The second type of infidelity that arises does so despite the presence of clearly delineated boundaries and, interestingly enough, involves a lapse of communication as well. However, in contrast to the first, this disconnect isn’t the responsibility of the couple but rather, the individual crossing the lines and intentionally choosing to keep the content of their thoughts, behaviors, or feelings hidden from the other.
This infidelity is usually chronic, intentional, and systematic. Overtime, the individual builds a lifestyle of secrecy, engaging in covert patterns that becomes harder to maintain such that being discovered can actually result in waves of catharsis.
One of the first tasks in the aftermath of infidelity is to address this intentional betrayal of boundaries and deception. Individuals who choose to work with a therapist may uncover a plethora of contributing variables including:
Feeling unappreciated
Unhappiness or dissatisfaction
Lack of commitment
Opportunity
Once more processing and self-reflection occurs, a crucial step presents itself. Despite all "reasons" for infidelity, the individual who crossed the line must accept responsibility for their violation and deception. The only way to move forward, both for the couple and for the individual, is to embrace honesty with self and other.
For an individual working with a therapist, its crucial they feel safe and not judged in this space where they can openly share and process their choices and inner conflicts. If they are to effectively identify lifestyle patterns that they want to change, it has to happen within a relationship of trust and empathy.
If you are struggling with infidelity, whether from unclear boundaries or intentional violation of one, it is always a good option to seek help from a mental health professional who can help you navigate these challenges and engage in the healing process, both within yourself and your relationship.